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Kevin Hart and how not to cheat

GOING PUBLIC: Kevin Hart (left) has apologised to his pregnant wife Eniko Parrish for cheating on her after a ‘sextortion’ scandal

THERE ARE only so many ways a black man can say "sorry" to his woman for cheating on her:

1. Sorry.
2. Apologies.
3. Pardon me.
4. Forgive me.
5. I’m begging you – please!
6. Here’s a couple tickets to see John Legend.
7. Close that bedroom door and turn down the lights...
8. Better you just take that machete and cut it off so I never hurt you again.
9. Nooooo, not my head!

There is one other way a black man can say “sorry” to his woman for cheating on her but, unfortunately for the rest of us, the US comedian Kevin Hart just used it up.

After his excruciating public apology to his wife and kids for doing the nasty with a woman who wasn’t his wife, he has cornered the market in excuses per excuses. His wasn’t your typical:

“Baby, I am so remorseful it is even beginning to hurt my bank balance, not to talk of the knees I am down on as I offer you this 24-carat diamond necklace as a token of my contrition.”

THE RIGHT DECISIONS

No. Hart had to be all extra and talk about how he knows he ain’t perfect and that he’s in a place in his life where he feels like he’s got a target on his back and therefore he has to make the right decisions and in this case he made the wrong one and he would try harder next time. Excuse me?

“I ain’t perfect” – that is my excuse.

“I’ve got a target on my back”. That is my other excuse.

“I shoulda made the right decision.” I swear down, I was gonna use that.

“I’ll try harder next time.” How many times have women heard that one?

It is as if Kevin Hart’s infidelity earned him a B minus in a university course on Black Family History and Moral Philosophy, and the teacher said, ‘See me after class’ and Hart promised that from then on he would go straight to his room when 3pm rolls around for the end of the school day, and revise until the cows came home and never once allow his roving eye to follow that woman in a skimpy dress who is offering him the fruit in the Garden of Eden.

It’s like he has elevated post-coital remorse into a cause celebre of the black human condition without saying a word about how much he enjoyed the infidelity and how he went into it despite knowing that he wasn’t perfect and had a target on his back and had to try twice as hard as as the white man to succeed. I mean, at what point did he realise that he hadn’t tried hard enough? Because when it comes to sleeping with other women behind your wife’s back, if at first you don’t succeed, you must try and try again and you will finally be hard enough. Every bloke knows that.

FOOLISHNESS

But now, thanks to Kevin Hart, every woman knows that blokes really believe that they can get away with that foolishness when they come back from work with their Y-fronts back to front.

Committing adultery is not something that you should ever take lightly. It’s like I always say, it is not for soft guys or the weak and infirm. It is part of the obstacle course of life.

When he was caught with his pants down, Kevin Hart should have said to his wife and kids and gazillions of fans who couldn’t care less about his wife, was that ever since he was a kid he has wanted to learn everything there is to learn about making love, and that even at his old age when he should be wise to it, he is in fact still learning and that this tryst with the other woman was part of his education. End of.

Instead, by his bawling and whingeing and confessing and considering the duty of a black man to his black woman in this white woman’s world, the pressure is now on the rest of us to take responsibility for our wife and kids when all we’re doing is getting off with some woman who is not our wife. Maybe she’s our best friend’s wife. Or maybe she’s our wife’s best friend. Who knows. All I know is when you get a sniff of a night of wild abandon with a woman who is not your wife, the last thing on your mind is your wife, or kids, and black liberation and equal rights, and justice, and the dysfunctional black family structure, and the number of black single mothers bringing-up children on their own, not to talk of the pain that the black woman has suffered on the black man’s behalf already over the years and, therefore, it is beholden to every black man to maintain the dignity of the black family by restraining his libido...

DOING THE NASTY

I mean, you don’t think of any of that when you’re doing the nasty with some woman that is not your wife, do you It’s not like infidelity is an everyday occurrence, is it? It’s not like our wives won’t get over it eventually, is it? So why the guilt trip, Kevin? What brought on this confessional? Your priest? Or was it the embarrassment of the other woman’s threat to reveal the video of the two of unoo naked doing the nasty?

I won’t even lie, Kev. I would still like to see the video (for research purposes only, you understand), just to see what you have learned about making love to a woman who is not your wife, in all your years as a student of lovemaking and also how the rest of us can learn how not to be a dyam fool and how to avoid being the subject of incriminating evidence behind our wife’s back. I mean where was the phone camera? Did you not see it in front of your face?

Like I always say, you believe you’re invisible when, behind your wife’s back, you’re making love to some other woman who isn’t your wife. The video is out there, which just goes to show that pride and stinginess goes before a public humiliation. Because his kids could end up seeing it. And that ain’t a good look.

Honestly. If Hart didn’t want the video of him humping some woman behind his wife’s back to be seen, why didn’t he just pay the millions the extortionist was asking? After all, he can still make gazillions more money. He’s a hot comedian. The money isn’t going to suddenly stop rolling in, as long as he keeps people laughing. In fact, he could keep being unfaithful to his wife for years to come and still pay-off extortionists if he wants to. Of course, he won’t, because he’s not that kind of black man any more.

As I’ve said already, he’s the kind of black man that begs for forgiveness from his wife and is conscious enough to bring the whole history of the black man and the black woman into play in his confessional, and his knowledge that black men have to step up to the plate and not be unfaithful to our wives after all they’ve been through, and what they represent and who we are in this white man’s world. That is magnanimous of Kevin Hart.

Dotun Adebayo is Britain’s most listened-to black radio talk show host. He presents Up All Night on BBC Radio 5 live Thursdays through Sundays on 909/693 MW, The Sunday Night Special on BBC 94.9FM and Reggae Time on BBC London 94.9FM on Saturday evenings. Tune in if you’re ranking!

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